Questions for airlines

Questions after a day of flying:

What is that emotion I feel as I walk through the first class section on my way to coach? Jealousy? Envy? Hatred? Why is the first class section at the front of the plane? Do airlines hope we will be fueled by our jealousy as we walk by the oh-so-spacious seats–those lucky ones already comfortably seated, complimentary drink in hand–and next time opt for the more expensive ticket? Do they think we can’t see through that cloth partition? Why is it that I only want to take a dump in their forbidden-to-us-lowly-second-class-passengers bathroom and not in our designated toilet closet at the rear of the plane? Is it a bigger bathroom? Does the toilet paper have more plys? Are there breath mints in there? Or lotion?

Why are children so annoying? Which would be worse: snakes on a plane or kids on a plane? Would Samuel Jackson star in that movie?

Why is liquid handsoap always blue or pink? Are those colours somehow cleaner? Who invented the air hand dryer? Were they assassinated? Was the urinal puck named after the hockey puck? Or vice versa?

Where do your farts go in a pressurized cabin at 4,000ft?

Why do I apologize to people when they step on my feet?

Are there pets in some compartment beneath me? Do they get an in-flight meal? Is there a vegetarian option for herbivores?

What does John Grisham read when he flies? Is he even a lawyer?

How do you make a pretzel?

Who buys jewelry in an airport?

Is there really such a thing as the “mile high club?”. Does it count if you do it Han Solo? Are there membership fees? Do you get a special card or collect stamps or a punch card? Would security let you carry on a hole punch? How about a stapler?

If you “highjack” a plane, shouldn’t you “lowjack” a car?

Do the pilots wear parachutes?

Just trying to get it figured,

The Broke Backpacker

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